My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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