This is not my ceiling
I just threw up on my dentist
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
