I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
