i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
