You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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