Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
