she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
