Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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