I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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