I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
