; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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