He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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