Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
