Christians are straight up FREAKS
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
