dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
