I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
