In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
