Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
