I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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