fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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