I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
