Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
