My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
