I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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