I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
