so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
