If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
