I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
