you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
