Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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