It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
