dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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