It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I could fuck to npr.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
