It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
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My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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