Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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