i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
