ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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