I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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