How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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