What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
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Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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