your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
