Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
