Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
