I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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