I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
