I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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