I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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