Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
two words: eviction party
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
