omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
