just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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