i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
