my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
