she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
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DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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