I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
