and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i think i just lost a toe
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
