I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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