I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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