Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
