I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
